#wish we had an option to text back “girl i am literally blowing his back out nightly”

[oleanderblooms]

awesome question panam! unfortunately i am inside him as we speak.

[wannabe-fic-writer]

Natasha Romanoff x Reader : Everything We Had Part 2

4 -  “I don’t have the energy to yell at you, you’re not worth it anyway.” 8 - “You broke me! You ruined everything we had and- for what?” 11 - “I wish you’d just leave me alone, I wish I’d never met you.”

So, I was not going to do a part two for this. But then Anon hit me with a really good idea and I loved it. So here I am hoping I bring their idea to “life” in the right way. Enjoy.

Warnings: Mentions of Cheating, Mild Violence, Language

Word Count: 1,773

****** 

After everything that happened with your ex-fiancé you wandered around feeling completely broken. 

There had never been a thought in your mind as to what would happen if you and Natasha ended so when that happened you weren’t sure what to do.

You left the apartment and hadn’t returned since. From there you decided to stay at the compound, forgetting that Bucky lived there as well. The man had avoided your gaze for seemingly the entire day before trying to talk to you. In the end you flipped him off and left. 

If everyone was being honest, they weren’t sure how you were controlling yourself. The woman you loved and a good friend hurt you and you’d managed to not do anything in retaliation. 

They deemed you strong. Having long since figured out you were the bigger person.

None of that meant this was easy for you. Not by a long shot.

You’d cried yourself to sleep plenty of nights, laying awake and restless every other. Every emotion you felt surged inside of you and you did everything you could not to act on them.

Crying became too much, anxiously not sleeping was unhealthy, being angry would only have resulted in you doing something you’d regret. And for the most part, you thought you were keeping yourself in check.

Until that day.

At the time, the roof of the compound was your only escape from everything. And so there you stood, basking in the day. 

But like all good things it came to an end. 

The sun’s light and warmth were cut off from you and you opened your eyes to find one of the two people you truly never wanted to speak to again.

Bucky didn’t fake a smile this time, he just sighed and spoke,“ Y/n, I’m really sorry about everything that happened. I know-”

Deciding you didn’t want to do that, you turned to leave.

Stopped seconds after by the cold vibranium of Bucky’s hand.“ Y/n just hear me out. Natasha and I-”

Eyes wide you looked back at him,“ you and Natasha? What you two just couldn’t wait to get together once I was out of the picture huh?” Scoffing you pulled your arm from his grip.

“It’s not like that!” He exclaimed, fed up with you not listening.“ Natasha loves you and I care about you!”

“Bucky I don’t have the energy to yell at you, you’re not worth it anyway. So whatever explanations or bullshit excuses you want to spill right now I don’t want to hear it.” 

That time when you turned to leave he didn’t reach for you. 

Just as you thought you were in the clear, walking toward the common room, the literal last person you wanted to see stopped in front of you.

Her green eyes didn’t hold the same shine they used to, strands of her hair hung from the ponytail she was wearing, and one of your old sweaters covered her body. She looked bad, and no doubt felt bad, but you were sure you’d been hurting worse.

“Please don’t, I really can’t right now Natalia.” 

“You aren’t returning any of my calls or texts and I haven’t seen you in weeks.”

A glare fixed on your face you said,“ I said goodbye Natalia what did you think that meant? Had I wanted to see you again I would’ve said so.” 

When you saw the heartbreak in her eyes you almost wanted to take it back but you didn’t. She broke your heart much worse than you had her.

The woman’s shoulders dropped and tears poured down her cheeks,“ I never thought you’d be this harsh to me.” 

“Me? Harsh? Need I remind you, you cheated on me with my friend Natalia! You promised to be loyal and planned to spend the rest of your life with me. I’m harsh? Natalia you broke me! You ruined everything we had and-” you blinked past the tears pooling in your eyes,“ for what?”

“Y/n calm down.” 

Perfect timing. 

As your chest heaved with each breath, Natalia in front of you, Bucky’s voice joined. Having obviously just come from the same path you had. 

“Bucky cut the shit! You both have been walking around pouting and crying as if you’re hurt! As if this isn’t all your fault!” At that point you wouldn’t have been surprised if everyone in the compound had heard you. Nor did you care.“ I’m so done with both of you. I just wish you’d just leave me alone, I wish I’d never met either of you!” 

You were more than riled up. You could feel your own heart pounding and you thought they could hear it as well. 

Natasha took a step toward you, her hand grabbing yours. You pulled away in anger, snapping at her to not touch you. And Bucky made the mistake of grabbing your arm from behind.

Whatever he said about relaxing is lost on you. In your over emotional state you hauled off and punched the man in the nose. 

He stumbled back, more so out of shock than you actually having hurt him. 

Both he and Natasha looked at you incredulously, and it was then that you noticed the rest of the team standing in the back. All eyes were on the scene you’d caused.

Embarrassed, hurt, and angry, you left. Walking to your room and somehow not having tripped through your tears. 

You weren’t sure where you were going but it wasn’t an option to stay there.

As you packed your bags you heard the door behind you open and close. You’d stilled, thinking it was Natasha or Bucky.

“I can’t begin to understand what you’re feeling,” the younger woman’s voice met your ears,“ but I’m here for you if you need me.”

Perhaps it had been her tone of voice, she was so genuine in her words, so sympathetic, or it was just the fact that she had come in, whatever it was, it made the tears finally spill from you eyes.

You’d cried before but not like this. This had been your breaking point and Wanda was there to hold you through it.

That was a year ago. 

Since then you’ve left the team. As much as you love saving lives you couldn’t do it with those people anymore. 

Instead you chose to become a cop. It wasn’t ideal but it was the only thing you could thing of to fulfill your need to help.

You of course found another place. Tony was more than happy to offer you support when he found out. The billionaire put you up in a more than satisfactory condo in Manhattan.

Sam and Steve still come by every weekend or so just to check in with you. You are still their friend and they couldn’t stand losing you over Bucky and Natasha’s mistake. 

But more helpful than all of them, was and is Wanda. 

The Sokovian was there for you every moment from the day you broke down to now. She held you as you cried, got you out of the house when you didn’t even feel like moving, and went to the gym with you when you had to blow off steam. 

Months had gone by of her being your biggest supporter and best friend, so many that the way you felt about her had changed. 

You stopped seeing her as Natasha’s best friend or your old teammate. In your eyes she’d gone from being your friend to seemingly an angel. And you found yourself falling for her.

There were a million reasons why you didn’t say anything at first. Not only was she still Natasha’s friend, but you weren’t sure how she felt about you. Until one night, while out walking in the park, she’d slipped up. She said she loved you as if it wasn’t the first time, like she had thought it so much it wasn’t even new to her. Feeling the same way, you kissed the woman.

From that point on you two grew closer and closer, romantically.

Now you stand just barely inside the compound, the facility you hadn’t stepped foot in in a year, a bouquet of white lilies in hand. You’re waiting on Wanda, who just got back from a two week long mission with Steve.

As you stand there awkwardly you catch a glimpse of familiar red hair, the tips blonde. 

Looking up, your eyes meet those emerald orbs and you take a deep breath. She’s watching you, taking you in like she had the first time she saw you.

“Y/n I- what- you’re here.” 

Someone would think she’s seeing a ghost the way she speaks. Then again you hadn’t seen each other in all this time.

“Hey Natasha.”

You hadn’t called her Natalia and that was a step up in her books.

Hesitantly, she walks closer,“ what’re you doing here? How are you?” 

Preparing to answer you breathe in, but your reply doesn’t come.

“Milaya!” 

You immediately look toward the girl at the sound of her voice. A smile splits across your lips and you accept the hug she wraps you in, her lips pressing on to the corner of yours.

“Hi.” You whisper.“ These are for you. I missed you.” You tell her, holding out the flowers.

She takes them, eyes flickering beside you,“ I missed you too.”

It’s not that you’d forgotten Natasha was there, her presence just simply paled to that of Wanda’s. And she knows that.

Watching the two of you, both smiling as if the world had been placed in your hands, she realizes how she’d truly lost you. There was no getting you back at this point, and maybe it’d been like this for a while, she just hadn’t known until now.

Your girlfriend smiles at the red head,“ hi Natasha.” 

And the red head smiles back,“ hey Wan.” She swallows, using all her strength to hold back tears,“ I won’t keep you, just wanted to say hi.”

With that she turns around and takes purposeful steps away.

“Hey,” she pauses at the sound of your voice, turning back to look at you,“ it was good seeing you Natasha.” 

Her eyes never leave you, watching as your arm curls around Wanda’s waist and your lips press on to her temple, not until you’re gone from her line of sight.

No matter how much it hurt to see, she knows it’s for the best. What she had done was irreparable, by her at least. She broke your heart and Wanda fixed it. It was better this way, even if it meant losing everything she’d had.

******

[everybodyscupoftea]

the date

pike jj x reader ft. cody and tyler

part 2: in which you begin to move on

it’s been a secret, but here’s zach :)

let me try and explain the timeline here real quick: okay so this is before the pogues come to visit, after the sick day. the timeline is a little fucked but that’s okay, we can just pretend we do not see inconsistencies :)

“Call him,” Tyler urged, nudging your leg with his foot.

“What if he says no,” you protested, “I can’t take any more rejection from men this year. Not to sound like I need men to validate me, but I’m not sure my ego can handle much more of this.”

Cody laughed, “We’ll kick his ass if he hurts your feelings.”

“I doubt you could, I’ve seen the pictures,” you scoffed.

Tyler’s jaw dropped, “Hey, I can hold my own.”

“Sure you can, scarecrow,” you teased.

He rolled his eyes, “Whatever, look, I know this guy and he’s really nice and respectful and understanding. Plus he plays baseball, I know how you feel about that.”

Raising your eyebrows, you hummed thoughtfully, “You should’ve said that immediately. I’ll call him.”

“Really?” Cody asked, “That’s all it took?”

“That’s all,” you confirmed, “now, help me come up with something to start the conversation.” -

“You can’t wear that,” Cody scoffed, looking disgusted at your outfit.

“What? Why not?”

Cody ticked reasons off on his fingers as he spoke, “First, you already had to cancel on him once because your body just shut down so the expectations and anticipation are even higher. Two, you have to really wow him because he’s only seen you looking like shit, you have to prove you’re better than that usually. And C, look good, feel good.”

You wanted to roll your eyes, but he made some pretty good arguments, “First of all, if he’s seen me only looking bad, the bar is pretty fucking low, dude.”

“Exactly, that’s why it’s so sad that you’re literally tripping over it.”

Looking down at your shorts, you crossed your arms, “Wait, what’s wrong with this outfit though?”

“No shorts,” Tyler yelled from the bathroom.

You scoffed, “Mind your business in there.”

“No, you need help.”

“Trust me, I do not need two men’s help.”

“But you do though,” Cody said, digging through your wardrobe, looking for something else.

“Dude,” you protested as he pulled out an armful’s worth of clothes.

“Options,” he told you, “I’m just trying to help.”

You sighed, “I suppose you’re right. Hit me with it.”

“Skirt,” Tyler yelled from the bathroom.

“Where are you going?” Cody asked, walking back to dig through your closet again.

“Dinner and a basketball game.”

“Oh, maybe shorts are the way to go.”

“Thank you,” you said, grabbing some clothes to put back in your closet.

“No,” Tyler interrupted, finally leaving the bathroom, “Still a skirt, but you can dress it down with a t-shirt.”

“But, shorts,” you tried to argue.

“Show off your figure, bitch,” Cody responded, shutting you down.

-

Zach picked you up from the dorms, Cody and Tyler watching you get in the car from a distance. He rolled down the window and waved at them, “See you guys around!”

“See ya, man!” Tyler yelled back.

Cody gave him a scrutinous look, “Be good!”

“No promises,” you mumbled and Zach snorted.

“Gonna be that kind of date, huh?”

Your cheeks heated, “No, I meant like, the basketball game. I get kind of into it.”

Zach pulled out onto the street and glanced over, “Hey, I was kidding, don’t stress.”

“Not stressed,” you pouted.

The restaurant he picked was one you’d surprisingly never been to and when you told him he chuckled, “You strike me as the type to have a regular.”

“I am, but I swore we tried every place near campus before establishing our regulars.”

“Well, I’m honored to show you something new.”

He parked and jogged around to open the door before you could get out. It was, unusual, but you weren’t complaining. Zach walked slightly behind you, hand hovering near your back as if he wasn’t sure whether he could touch you or not.

You paused and he walked into you, hand brushing against you, and cleared his throat, “Fuck, sorry.”

“You can touch me, you know?”

Zach blushed, “Well, I didn’t want to assume.”

“That’s very sweet, but I think we’re past the point of casual touches after you spent an entire day taking care of me. And, technically, we’re dating.”

“Well, we agreed it was the fever talking and we’d actually go on a date before making that decision.”

“I’m a modern woman,” you waved his words away, “caution to the wind.”

Zach laughed and held the restaurant’s door open for you, “Fair enough. Takes a lot of pressure off for tonight.”

“Were you nervous?” you teased.

“Well, yeah. You’re so pretty and funny and smart, and I want to impress you.”

Your jaw dropped and your ears felt hot, “I,” you cleared your throat, “well, thank you. Consider me impressed,”

“Good,” Zach smiled, picking up the menu the hostess had sat in front of him. He flipped through it and nudged your foot with his, “By the way, the meatball subs here fucking slap.”

“Oh yeah?”

“If I remember correctly, you told me once that meatball subs were your go-to for testing out Italian restaurants.”

“I, yeah they are, um, when did I say that?”

“You snapped me a picture of a meatball sub from Subway one night super late when you were drunk and told me about it.”

“Right, and you just…remembered?”

“Well of course, I had to pick a place with a fire meatball sub for you. Good impression, remember?”

“Yeah, I’m starting to get the picture.”

He smiled and nudged your foot with his again, “Ready to order?”

“Guess I’m trying the meatball sub.”

When the waitress came back, Zach let you order first and then ordered his food and a bottle of wine for the table. You raised your eyebrows as she inspected his ID and told the two of you it’d be out shortly.

“I’m 20,” you told him.

“But I’m 21, and I know you drink.”

“Touché.”

“This wine is really good. Admittedly, I don’t know everything, all my knowledge is by proxy, my uncle owns a winery in Napa, but I know some.”

You nodded, fully impressed, “Good enough for me.”

Zach laughed, “Good to know.”

The wine and the sub were excellent, right on par with the company. Zach kept you laughing through the whole meal, the conversation staying alive without things getting awkward.

“Wait wait wait,” he laughed, pausing to take a sip of wine, “you’re telling me that Tyler actually went as Hermione?”

“Full wig and everything!”

“Fuck, wish I could’ve seen pictures of that.”

“Oh, I have some,” you reassured.

Zach dissolved into laughter again, taking your phone from you to scroll through. The smile dropped after a few seconds and he swiped up on a notification, locking your phone. Your heart dropped and you smiled uncertainly as he said, “Ready for dessert?”

“Yeah, I saw lava cake on the menu. Is everything okay?”

“I think so, you just got some passive aggressive texts from a JJ.”

You rolled your eyes, “What did he say?”

“Something about being a bad friend and abandoning them. I think it was supposed to sound like a joke, but that’s not the vibe it really portrayed.”

“Yeah, he’s been a real dick lately.”

Zach’s eyebrows shot up and he leaned forward, “Wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t really want to kill the mood,” you laughed humorlessly.

“You aren’t if I’m asking.”

“Well, if you want the whole truth, I kinda liked him. And then he started dating this girl Brooke, and she’s the fucking worst. She literally hates me for no reason and JJ doesn’t say anything in my defense when she treats me like shit.”

“Ah, I’m sorry to hear that. You deserve a better friend.”

“Not so sure about that, clearly karma has it out for me.”

“We’ve only known each other for a short time, but I think you’re incredible and you don’t deserve to be treated that way by a friend. Is that the guy you were telling me about, the reason you want to take things slow? Because I think I understand now.”

Your eyes filled with tears at his earnest words, “Yeah, it is, and wow, you’re actually the best.”

Zach laughed just as the waitress set the lava cake and two spoons between the two of you, “I try.”

Shortly after finishing, Zach paid and the two of you left the restaurant hand in hand. He opened the car door for you again and smiled, hand on your knee. You gave him a wobbly smile and patted his hand, “Thanks.”

“Anytime, seriously. Ready for some basketball?”

“Always.”

-

When you got back to your dorm JJ, Cody, and Tyler were all sitting on the floor outside your room, half empty bottle of flavored vodka between JJ’s fingers. His eyes were fluttering and you could tell he was gone.

Tyler smiled apologetically, “I’m so sorry. He was threatening to come here alone so we decided to come as buffers.”

You snorted, “Real mature, J. Saw you blowing up my phone while I was at dinner.”

“With who?”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I met someone.”

“We’re best friends, of course it’s my business.”

“Are we?”

You didn’t give him time to answer before going inside your dorm and letting the door slam shut between you and the boys. There was a slapping noise and Cody said, “Bro I know you’re not going to remember this tomorrow, but for fuck’s sake.”

JJ made a wounded noise, “What if he’s a dick?”

Going on your tiptoes to look through the peephole, you managed to catch Tyler’s shrug, “Dude, I’m not sure what to tell you other than that he’s a good guy.”

“Is he good enough?” JJ countered, arms crossing sloppily.

“Is Brooke good enough?” Cody asked, not even looking up from where he was kicking at the floor.

“Brooke is great,” JJ slurred defensively.

“Great at being the absolute worst,” Tyler scoffed.

You fought back a laugh and walked away from the door. JJ wasn’t going to ruin your night.

[khaleesiofalicante]

I’m going to be honest. I was planning on reading this yesterday but I knew that if I started I would stay up until 3 a.m and I had school tomorrow 😂, but here I am:

“Rafael had all but screamed when Bapak had surprised him with the motorbike on his birthday '' It has only begun and I’m screaming!!!

“But Rafael had dressed up. He had even let Max paint his nails black.” I love Max and Rafael with my entire soul

“Max had a habit of ‘borrowing’ things and selling them on eBay.” I love that little shit and his mischievous 💙💙

Octavian was one of his closest friends. Okey but that friendship??? Love it

“Dude, college kids don’t give a shit,” Tavvy laughed. “You could walk into a lecture covered in runes, holding a seraph blade and they wouldn’t give you a second look.” “Cause they are chill?” “Yes. But mostly cause they are dead inside,” Tavvy chuckled. SJHDUEHISAM WHY IS THIS SO TRUE??

You should follow me on Instagram. My handle is simp_for_carstairs.” I’M LAUGHING SO FUCKING HARD 😂 😂 😂 “She is not wrong,” Lily nodded seriously. “I’m a Jem Carstairs fan first and a vampire second.” Me too bro

“I heard there is a dalliance between a shadowhunter and a warlock,” Lily went on anyway. WHAT THE FUCK??? I LITERALLY SCREAMED. AND I’M IN CLASS

“But people bothered anyway. People liked to bother about things that did not concern them.” I know this is of shadowhunters, but it really speaks of everyone

“Rafael was sure there was something more than friendship between them. But David was polite to a fault and Max was an oblivious little shit. So, obviously nothing had happened yet. Sometimes Rafe wanted to knock their heads together and ask them to just talk it out. But no, it wasn’t his place.” JSSUHDEWIMS. OK. if i continue to quote everything i won’t finish. Let's move forward

Me when i found who started the rumor: 🙃🔪 🔪

“What the hell? Come on, Rafael! Bros before…uh, girls.” I SHOULDN’T BE LAUGHING THIS HARD. MY DOG IS GIVING ME WEIRD LOOKS. A DOG!! Like...He makes fun of Max but he is also an oblivious little shit

“David and I added rosemary to this one,” Uncle Jace wiped his hands on his apron. “It has definitely improved the taste, hasn’t it?” I- I don’t know if this was on purpose but- I- Wow

“I am this close to kidnapping the twins from the academy and bringing them back home. I love Mr. Herondale to death but this is getting out of hand.” How can a line be so funny and beautiful at the same time?? 💙💙

“Empty nest syndrome,” Rafael chuckled. “I’m glad neither Max nor I had to leave home. My fathers are much worse.” He remembered his first sleepover at the institute. His parents had waited for “an excruciating hour” before crashing the institute and joining the sleepover themselves. HOLY SHIT THIS IS GIVING ME SO MUCH SEROTONIN THAT I’M ALREADY AFRAID OF THE ANGST

“David,” Rafael grinned. “Are you afraid of my father?” “What? No! He is just a regular person…who can throw me in the silent city any time he wants,” David rambled and then shook his head. “Where is Max?” He tried to sound nonchalant. But Rafael noted the way the other boy’s eyes fluttered every time he said Max’s name. Just the way a crooked smile appeared on his brother’s lips every time someone said David’s name. Idiots. YES THEY ARE😂😂

Ahhh yess. The angst is starting and it will break my soul. Guess I’ll keep reading.

WHAT. THE. FUCK??? HOLLY SHIT!!! I WAS EXPECTING ANGST BUT THIS??? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?? I LITERALLY STARED AT THE SCREEN CAUSE I THOUGHT I HAD GOTTEN IT WRONG!!! THE FUCK??? I JUST CAN'T PROCESS THIS.

“Do you people know Magnus could have destroyed the clave decades ago if he wanted to do that? EXACTLY. HE WOULD HAVE LET YOU DIE IF HE WANTED TO!!! I CAN’T.

“Of course you don’t see anything wrong with this,” Paige sneered. “It’s not like you have a problem with incest. SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME AND I WILL FIND A WAY TO GO THERE AND BREAK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR BONES!

You talk about warlock corruption but where all of you when Valentine exploited Jace and Clary? Where was this moral obligation when Valentine lied to his children and played with their feelings as if they were nothing but toys to be controlled and manipulated? I’m sick of shadowhunters victim blaming children instead of holding people like Valentine accountable.” EXACTLY. WHERE WERE THEY?

Ok, ok, I’m not ok but I'll just keep reading. I’m slightly traumatized but ok.

For the next thirty minutes, Max paced around the room, threatening to portal all the shadowhunters to hell. Then he went on about a plan to attack the cohort and portal them all to hell too. He kept talking about portalling people to hell. I feel him on a personal level!!!

“Rafael knew he had the option of not listening to what they had to say. But here is the thing about people, they don’t get to you. You get to them. They simply say something and leave. They probably don’t even mean the things they say or lose sleep over it. But it wasn’t the same for you. You obsess over it. You stay awake at night and let it consume your dreams. And that was the worst part because all of it looks like a choice. All of it looks like your fault.” THIS!!!!

“He ran his hand through the boy’s blue curls. Max had his own battles to fight. But they had to fight together.”

NO. ANYTHING BUT MAGNUS CRYING BECAUSE THEN I CRY!!!

“Fuck everyone else,” dad growled. “They’ve hurt our family enough.” EXACTLY!!!

“He needed to survive this. So, he decided to go back to the place he had learned how to survive in the first place. He needed to go back home.” Okey, this was a lot and I need a moment and some therapy probably

“Camilla Alvarez.” Interesting

The texts are just *chef kiss*

“His father had done that. Alec Lightwood had helped Joaquin and his people create a new world in Buenos Aires.” I LOVE ALEC LIGHTWOOD

Okey, but all of that conversation with Rafe and Magnus was beautiful and now I’m crying

THE OUTFIT!!! MASTERPIECE

Blue banners when the lost return, the shadowhunter rhythm said. Rafael had returned home – and he was no longer lost. WOW. JUST WOW.

“I would like to propose that we include a provision on hate speech,” Rafael said. FUCK YEAH

Not to be dramatic, BUT HOLY FUCK!! All this Cohort moment really hits cause its what society is like

“This is unacceptable!” Paige Ashdown looked furious. “Lightwood, you can’t just keep bringing up new laws to protect your family.” “I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t keep attacking my family, Paige!” the Consul Voice boomed across the hall. “And I’m not doing this to protect my own. My family happens to be one of the many you’ve victimized with your vicious prejudice.” LOUDER SO EVERYONE CAN HEAR

“I’m the Inquisitor’s daughter,” she said. “Next time, think twice before you quote the law at me.” Hello? Yes, I would like to request a seat at the Anjali supremacy cause that girl is such a badass

She turned to the Council. The Inquisitor looked like he was going to cry from pride. Rafael’s dad looked half terrified but mostly impressed. Lily was blowing kisses at Anjali. The other downworld leaders looked quite pleased.“Over to you Consul,” Anjali gave him a salute as usual – and then she was gone. “THAT’S THE BEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!” Emma Carstairs yelled. “Goddamn, I wish Magnus was here to see this,” Uncle Jace grinned. “That was satisfying as hell.” “No worries, I recorded the whole thing!” Kit put up his hand.- THEY HAVE SUCH AN ENERGY

“He wasn't afraid. He still wanted to hold her. He realized he wanted to hold her even if it would set him on fire.” My heart, i just 💙💙💙

OKAYY. That was a lot of trauma, screaming, loving and hating. And it also came longer than expected but you can’t blame me!! I loved it soooo much, it was amazing as always

Now guess who has 10 assignments to deliver and hasn’t started them for spending all the time reading this?? YES, it's me, so I better get to work 💙💙

FIRST OF ALL WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE SO MANY ASSIGNMENTS AND TESTS I AM GOING TO SET THE EDUCATION SYSTEM ON FIRE AND BUILD IT AGAIN FROM THE ASHES DO NOT TEST ME!!!

Also I am glad you enjoyed this. It is a very heavy chapter. So, do feel time to rest and recover.

I'll see you soon bebe 💙

[backtobackbakubabe]

Baby its Cold Outside (PART 4)

Bakugo x Reader

ANGST HOLY SHIT ANGST.

Words: 2613

PART 1 HERE, PART 2 HERE, PART 3 HERE PART 4 HERE PART 5 HERE , PART 6 HERE PART 7 HERE PART 8 HERE PART 9 HERE PART 10 HERE PART 11 HERE PART 12 HERE PART 13 HERE PART 14 HERE

*****************************************************************************************************

Today was your first day on the job with your new partner. You couldn't exactly say you were disappointed with who you chose. Izuku had gone to school with you and he actually had known Katsuki longer than you had. He was just as surprised as you when Katsuki had recommended that you team up with “Fucking Deku” Shocking you further he finally decided who he was going to team up with... He picked... Denki...

Bakugo claimed there were no good options and he didn't want to talk about it. But you got the feeling that he was a little excited about fighting with one of his UA pals again. 

Izuku insisted that you call him by his hero name while on duty, but you just felt wrong calling him Deku when you knew the origin. But you complied and told him he could call you by your hero name if he wanted. You told him about how you had gone back and forth on names for a while but you had finally landed on Adsum. 

“Oh cool! If you don't mind my asking what does it mean? I mean it sounds pretty but I don't think I’ve ever heard it before.” 

You had forgotten how adorable Izuku’s little nerd mumbles were, “It’s latin for I am here. You know because I teleport so its like one second I’m here and the next I’m there... It’s kind of stupid...” 

Deku’s jaw dropped, “WHAT! Thats the coolest name I’ve ever heard! THATS ALL MIGHTS CATCH PHRASE! Oh wow I’m so jealous. I wish I would have thought of that. That would be so cool to have All Might’s catch phrase in a different language as your hero name. Latin is such a beautiful language....” 

You tuned him out as you opened up a new text to Bakugo. 

y/n: I’ve spent all of 15 mins with Deku and I’ve already gotten him to nerd mumble twice lol. I’m totally going to make this a game! See how many times I can get him to do it in a day. 

Babe: Fucking nerd... 

Babe: His records 12 by the way. 

y/n : Oh Yeah? And how would you know that? 

Babe: Same reason I know he’s mumbling right now and you’re totally ignoring him... I'm observant. 

Your head snapped up. No way. Where was he hiding? Was that asshole really watching you on your first day apart? 

“Oi Deku!” 

Deku stiffened a moment out of habit before he schooled himself to turn around and face Bakugo, who had somehow managed to sneak up on both of you. 

“Oh hi Kacha... I mean Ground Zero!” As much of an asshole as Bakugo was to Deku, Deku never really seemed to let it get to him. “What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be with Kaminari?” 

Bakugo walked past Deku without so much as a glance as he stood in front of you, feet firmly planted, arms crossed over his chest, and eyes boring into yours. “Deku I’m only going to tell you this once. Keep an eye on her. She’s sneaky and will run off on her own. So try to keep up for once in your life.”  He smirked at your irritated glare before he continued. “I’ve honesty thought about putting a bell around her neck. But if you listen carefully you can hear her gasp as she goes to hold her breath so make sure you’re fucking listening!” 

He softened just a bit before he leaned over and gave your forehead a quick kiss “Oh and I think this goes without saying... if anything happens to her I will fucking kill you. Got it?!” 

You both look over and Izuku is studiously writing everything Bakugo was saying in one of his many notebooks mumbling about all the new facts he just learned about you. “Kill me.... Got it...” 

Bakugo smirked at you, “There, now you’re at three. Only ten more to go to beat my record.” He gave your ass a quick swat before turning to leave, “I need to go find dunce face before he gets himself into trouble. I’ll see you at home. Please be safe.” 

And just like that he was blasting off, literally blasting off, creating quite the scene as he went to go find his new partner. 

You rolled your eyes at your dramatic boyfriend and went about you day as usual. 

When you got home that night you couldn't help but teleport right into Katsuki’s lap. “Alright I knew the first day was going to be hard. But seriously working with Deku is sooo much different than working with you. I missed your little quips and the way you pushed me to always be on my A game. I royally fucked up today and Deku was all, ‘Oh it’s fine Adsum... Don’t worry about it Adsum... Everyone makes mistakes Adsum...’ Which I mean is nice and all but I messed up! You would have torn my ass to pieces! You kno-”

Bakugo slapped his hand over your mouth, “New house rule. I don’t want to hear about anything that has to do with Deku. Unless he did something that put you in danger, in which case I would need to kick his ass, I don't want to hear about it.” His scarlet eyes bore into yours, his hand still covering your mouth so you just nodded. “Alright. Good.” He removed his hand, “Now about you royally fucking up... Do I dare ask what you did?” 

You instantly blushed, “Well you’re not going to like it.” 

He sighed, “Yeah I gathered that when you said I would have torn your ass to pieces. Y/n what did you do?” 

You leaned into him, hoping if you were snuggling with him he would be less angry. “Well you see it’s not totally my fault. There was some sketchy villain who was selling hero tech illegally and Deku and I were following him to see if we could catch him in the act. He ended up catching on to us and made a run for it. He turned down an alley...” You started running your hands up and down his arm mindlessly as you got to the part you knew he wasn't going to like. “So I was supposed to teleport ahead of him and cut him off. No big deal, I do that all the time. Except you know how I have to visualize were I’m going? Well we weren't exactly on a street that I knew too well. So instead I ended up in the building he was running into and... well.. it was some kind of headquarters. So I unintentionally popped into a room full of villains without backup and I panicked and teleported right back out to the street where Deku was, but they all had seen me and now the place has been cleared out. The police had been watching them for months now and were preparing a bust, but I went and tipped them off and fucked everything up.” 

You threw your head in the crook of his neck so you didn't have to see how disappointed in you he was. 

He wasn't having any of that though, he gripped your chin and made you look at him. “If you’re waiting on me to yell at you its not going to happen. Sure you made a mistake today. But you also did something very right. You assessed your surroundings, knew you were outmatched, and you got to safety.” 

You pouted, “Yeah but you would have stayed and kicked all their asses.” 

He smirked, “Well you aren't me. And I’m thankful every day that you're not. I’m reckless and impulsive and proud. I also have a quirk that can blow people up and you don't. I’m very proud of you for getting yourself to safety. Deku on the other had is a pussy for not going in there. He totally could have handled that on his own.” 

You slapped his chest, “Hey are you saying I couldn't have handled it?!” 

He grabbed your hand before you could slap him again, “I’ve never lied to you and I’m not going to start now... No. I don't think you could have right now. There is not doubt in mind that in a few years you will though. You improve every day and you have this drive to do better that almost rivals my own. Just give yourself time. You’ll get there. I know you will.”

******

After that first day you settled into a routine. You’d come home and shower while Katsuki made dinner. Sometimes he’d be on night shift but he would leave food ready for you in the microwave. You’d tell him how many times you got Deku to nerd rant and he would tell you how many times he got Denki to short circuit. It was nice.... Until one day it wasn't. 

It had only been three weeks since you changed partners. You and Deku had a graveyard shift and so far it had been pretty quiet. You were just about to text Bakugo to see if he was awake and if he could bring you some coffee, but then you heard it. A blood curling scream. 

It sounded pretty close and out of instinct you started teleporting around to try and find its source. You don't even remember saying anything to Deku, You just acted. This is exactly the kind of thing Bakugo begged you not to do. But you couldn't help it. Someone out there needs your help. 

You teleported two or three times before you found the source. The sight made your stomach sink. Human traffickers. 

There was at least 12 goons by the look of it all trying to shove girls of all ages, shapes and sizes into a truck. And standing off to the side was Dabi and Shigaraki. Shit this is connected with the league of villains. You sent your location to Deku with a short “need backup. LOV threat 12+.” 

You knew you needed to wait for backup but you also couldn't let them leave. Another scream rang out and you saw a crying girl probably around the age of fourteen on the ground trying to crawl away as one of the goons grabbed her ankle and roughly dragged her back. That was it. You couldn't watch this. 

You teleported over behind the goon who was dragging her. You tapped his shoulder before teleporting to the other side of him. When he turned back around you punched him in the throat before brining your elbow down on his forearm with a loud crack breaking the arm that was holding the girls ankle. You scooped her up quickly, “RUN! Get out of here!” 

You teleported into the truck and grabbed another girl before teleporting her as far as you could and telling her the same. You continued to do this three more times before they caught on to you. 

You weren't even ready as a strong arm wrapped around your waist pulling you out of the truck, “I GOT HER!” 

You were pinned to the hood of the truck by someone who was incredibly strong and you began to panic.You started to struggle, trying to hit anything you could. “Let go of me!” 

Your attacker grabbed the back of your head and slammed it into the truck and you vision blurred. NO! You need to stay awake. You continued to try and squirm out of his grip when suddenly it was gone completely. 

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!”

You would know that irritated voice anywhere. You were forced to turn around to face a very angry blonde. “You’re lucky Deku called me! You were about thirty seconds away from being one those poor girl chained up in that truck. Fucking Stupid! Do you even now what you just ran into. Look around.” 

You looked around and saw that there was actually a lot more than 12 villains and it was now an all out battle. There was at lest five other heros that had shown up to help. 

His hand came up to your head to check the now bleeding wound on you’re forehead, “You need to get out of here. You have a head wound and I don't want you to try to use your quirk with it. You’re probably already a little dizzy and I don't think holding your breath is going to help.” 

You gritted your teeth, “No! I started this. I’m going to keep getting these girls to safety.” 

An explosion rang out as he blew up a villain that had tried to sneak up on you, “Y/n would you please for once fucking listen to me!” 

You shoved him away from you, “No you fucking listen to me! I’m going to get these girls out of here. Now how about you let me do my fucking job and and you do yours and watch my back.” 

His nostrils flared but he knew now wasn't the time for an argument, “UGH FINE!” You nodded before hopping back into the truck and grabbing the first girl you could grab and teleporting away. There was already a hero waiting for you when you appeared on the other side to make sure the girls got away safely. You kept doing this over and over again. 

You honestly were getting dizzy, and a little nauseous. But you just kept telling yourself it was just a concussion and to push through it. You had successfully gotten all thirty seven girls out but when you came back what you saw made your blood run cold. The heros were losing. There was just too many villains. 

You heard a frustrated growl to your right and you saw Katsuki being tossed into a wall. He was taking too long to get back up. 

He was exhausted. His leg was likely broken. His head was spinning from the exertion of having to constantly use his quirk. It had been nonstop fighting for the past half an hour. He had to keep going though. He had to protect you. He struggled to get up after that last blow, but he was only up to his knees when he looked up and saw a gun pointed at his head. “Fucking coward! Hiding behind a gun!” He heard the gun be cocked into place, he heard the trigger being pulled not once, not twice, but three times, but worst of all, he heard that noise. That noise he usually loves. The one that means you just teleported into his apartment... 

“NO!” But it was too late. You had teleported between him and the gunman. Taking the bullets in the stomach. Bakugo sent an explosion that was so large it likely killed the bastard who shot you. Then you were falling backwards, your vision starting to blur. 

You were in Bakugo's arms but you don't know how you got there, “Hey baby look at me. Hey open your eyes y/n. You’re going to be okay... I’m going to get you out of here. Y/n please! Y/n...” 

Your hand came up to cup his cheek, “I.... got them.... out....” 

Tears were streaming down his face now, “I know you did baby, you did such a good job now I need you to just hold on for me okay! More heros are on their way! You just need to hold on a little longer...” 

You started to slip away, a single tear running down your cheek, “I... love you Katsuki.” And then you closed your eyes. 

But before you were completely unconscious you heard the most gut wrenching, angry scream. 

[spaceskam]

Follow up to this

"Liz is dragging me to Alex's concert tonight. You wanna come with so I'm not dying?"

Michael frowned as he looked up to where to Max was sitting at the counter. He had picked up an extra shift at the Crashdown since he had nothing to do after finishing his physics test in 30 minutes. He worked until 7 and then he was going to go home, pick up where he was at in Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and blow up Alex's phone with reactions like he usually did when they couldn't hang.

But now he was being propositioned by Max who had clearly been put up to it.

"Uh, yeah, sorry man, I have work," Michael said. He wasn't sure who put Max up to it, but he could make assumptions and he wasn't exactly eager to go against Alex's wishes. The guy was one of his best friends, he wasn't about to piss him off by doing what he said not to.

Besides, if it was indeed Maria and Liz like he thought, then he really didn't want to fall for it.

"You get off at 7, concerts at 7:30, sounds perfect," he said. Michael stared at him.

"Alex doesn't want me to go," he said and it was the truth. Max still looked confused.

"Why? I thought you two were friends," he said. Michael nodded.

"We are, but he's embarrassed," Michael lied. If there was one thing in the world that Alex Manes was not embarrassed about, it was his music. Michael had never met someone so confident in their talents and it was unbearably attractive.

Alex, in general, was unbearably attractive. Michael was just blessed enough to be his friend that could fuck him.

Max didn’t buy the lie and he sighed. “Dude, please? Liz said if I get you to come then she’ll... do a thing I like.” Michael scrunched up his nose. “Please!”

“Why am I apart of your sex favors?”

“It’s not a sex thing!” Max argued, but the high-pitched voice he used said otherwise. Michael just shook his head. “Please? I-I’ll do anything. Just come to this fucking concert.”

Michael eyed him. “You’ll pay my part of the rent this month?” Max opened and closed his mouth a few times before sinking a little bit.

“Fine, I’ll do it, just come,” he said. Michael snorted.

“Damn, I don’t know what Liz has in store for you, but I hope she knows how much power she holds,” he joked. Max didn’t find it that funny and it told Michael that she knew exactly how much power she held. “Fine, fine, I’ll come, but I’m leaving as soon as it’s over. I don’t want Alex to know I’m there.” Max nodded and sulked back to the table where both Maria and Liz were waiting.

Michael pulled out his phone and opened his long-ass text chain between him and Alex. He started to type out a message about how his friends were medalling a bit too hard, but erased it before he could send. He did want to hear Alex sing. Well, he’d already heard him sing, including the solo he had tonight that was in Gaelic, but he was eager to hear it again. He wanted to see him perform.

He put his phone away and just promised to be out of there before Alex saw.

-

“Oh, Michael, you came.”

Michael stuck his tongue out at Maria who just gave him a knowing smile as if she wasn’t the one who directly forced him to come. He fidgeted at the edge of the pew in the church the concert was being held at, settling in beside Max who just smiled at him. Michael sighed.

It didn’t take too much longer for the choir to begin processing in, the men in their black slacks, bowties, and white button-ups, and the women in long black dresses. He recalled hearing them be referred to as trash bags from the times he spent in the music building. Michael smiled but kept his head bowed until everyone was firmly on stage to do his best not to get spotted by Alex.

The setlist was... admittedly batshit. Which he was expecting since he’d only heard Alex sing in English once within the few weeks they’d been hanging out. Alex would occasionally send him voice messages of him singing some random part of some random song and ask if it was good, leaving Michael’s only reply option to be ‘yeah, what the fuck is it’.

The women’s choir had a few very beautiful songs with more than a few extremely high sopranos being impressive as hell. That section was followed by the mix of both the men and women, who sang a few songs in a language Michael didn’t recognize but found so stunning that he had chills. He could pick out Alex’s voice when he tried and stared at him and, at one point, he thought he made eye contact and quickly looked away to make sure he didn’t. Whenever the women exited the stage and left the men to perform their songs, Michael’s knee was bouncing and he couldn’t hide the smile on his face.

There were two relatively slow songs that Michael had heard Alex do only a couple times and they were nice. Once Alex stepped forward and the rest of the men formed a semi-circle behind him, though, Michael was on the edge of his seat. Alex had told him the song was called Dúlamán and it never failed to be impressive as hell. It was so fast-paced and complex, but Alex performed it with ease. There was just this air of confidence around him that seemed to put the rest of the men behind him on their toes as they sang, each one of them continuously getting more and more passionate as Alex led them through it.

Michael had to stand up and clap for him whenever they finished. He didn’t really care that Liz and Maria were staring at him as he whistled and clapped. Alex was his friend too, he was allowed to be impressed. It didn’t mean anything more than that just because they were sleeping together, that was just a double standard that he didn’t accept.

He tried not to feel bad when he left as soon as it was over.

-

“Michael!”

Michael groaned as he pulled himself off the bed in his room. He had almost fallen asleep waiting for a text from Alex that said he was home and the last thing he wanted to do was to get up and probably kill a bug. That’s usually the only time Isobel called his name.

Instead, though, when he walked into the living room, he saw Alex standing there with a very motherly look on his face and his arms crossed over his chest still in his suit. Isobel slipped past them.

“Busted,” she sang softly, hip bumping him before disappearing into his room.

“I thought I told you not to come,” Alex said and he looked so serious that Michael had to bow his head, “This whole arrangement isn’t going to fucking work if you just deliberately go behind my back. I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but if you’re just going to ignore me on something stupid like this, then what else will you ignore me about?”

Michael sighed and looked back up at him. “I’m sorry. Max begged me to go because he didn’t want to be stuck with Liz and Maria and I tried to tell him no, but he was so desperate he’s literally going to be paying my rent.”

“Michael, I don’t need Maria and Liz knowing about us. They are constantly on my ass about getting a boyfriend and I want them to stop. Fuck, I’ve tried to get them to stop and they don’t and that’s annoying as it is. I don’t need them misunderstanding this or, worse, never shutting up about it and ruining it. I just want to be able to do what I want without being questioned, that was the whole reason I even moved out to go to college,” Alex explained. Michael nodded because he knew. He’d heard the girls grill him and he saw whenever it crossed a line for Alex. He knew going didn’t help.

“I’m sorry,” Michael said, “I’ll keep my distance or something. I didn’t mean to completely go against what you asked.”

Alex rubbed his tired eyes. “I know, I know you try not to do that. I’m just... I’m tired of it. I’m tired of not being able to have male friends and I’m tired of not being able to do what I want with my body without it being the main topic of discussion every day. I’m sorry that affects you and our friendship.”

“No, I get it!” Michael insisted, eyes wide as he tried to wrack his mind for ways to prove to Alex that he really did understand. “I hate my relationship status being the most interesting thing about me too.”

“I’m more than who I’m fucking or dating, you know?” Alex said. Michael nodded.

“You are, dude,” he agreed, “And, I know me being there didn’t help whatever Liz and Maria were thinking, but you owned that stage tonight. Like that Gaelic shit was hot as hell. You deserve to be on stage all the time.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Alex chuckled, seeming a little more relaxed, “I was singing about seaweed, so.”

“Good,” Michael laughed, shoving his hands in his pockets, “Are we good? I won’t just show up at your shows again. And, well, if I do, I’ll make sure I make fun of you so they’ll think we’re just bros being bros.”

Alex bubbled with laughter, “Bros being bros?”

“Yeah,” Michael assured, “I will make sure they know that there is no banging to be had.”

“None what’s so ever,” Alex agreed, taking a step closer. Michael smiled and slowly started nearing him.

“Literally why would they ever think we could sustain a relationship?” Michael asked, “We are far too opposite.”

“And you smell like a fucking junkyard,” Alex judged, placing his arms around Michael’s neck, “I don’t want people thinking I’m dating you.”

“And you are way too fucking full of yourself,” Michael shot back, hoping he hid just how well he actually loved that aspect of him, “Why would I want people thinking I like someone like that?”

“Exactly,” Alex whispered, resting his head on Michael’s and nudging their noses together, “Like I could ever, ever, ever like someone like you.”

“Never,” Michael agreed, his smile slowly falling as he let himself get lost in the feeling of his skin, “Falling in love is for people like Max and Liz.”

“Mhm, fuck that,” Alex said, moving his head to Michael’s shoulder and nuzzling his nose against his neck. He let out a soft whine. “These pants are so itchy, get them away from me.”

Michael laughed and rubbed Alex’s back, breathing him in slowly as she began pulling him towards his room. Alex went willingly.

“I think I can help with that.”

[polygamyff]

7. Part 4

Stretching my body out as my eyes fluttered open, my eyes still hooded as I stared to the side of me. An empty bed, no sign of Maurice. Last night I went to sleep before him and wake up after him, clearly he had slept in the bed but no comfort in this, no comfort from his touch against me. The biggest sigh left my lips, I have the worst feeling that today is not what I seem it’s going to be like, I have only come to spend time with him but he’s just always doing something. I think he knew he annoyed me last night, that face he pulled when the word marriage came out from my lips, it was like he suddenly didn’t want to know. It was ok when he was making love to me but now the word marriage is scaring him, but what about me. He scared my ass when he did that, he has pissed me off with that and I am still just that. He plays himself off because of money, nobody fucking cares about money, I really don’t anyways. I wish I placed my phone close by because now I have to drag myself out of bed, annoying. Maurice is so much more loving in California then here, his mind is never mine and he’s always thinking or doing something. I didn’t want to be here to be his second shadow or even burden him, he should have just been upfront with this.

Picking my phone out from my bag, a text from mommy. I actually didn’t call her, damn. She is not going to be happy at all. Unlocking my phone to read the message.

From: Mommy

To: Robyn

Hope you have got there ok Robyn, your dad is blowing a fit. You said you would let us know, remember this is hard for us, you’re with a man we don’t know, so please be mindful. Love you x

Taking in a deep breath, I did really forget about it. I know my parents are not happy. They want to know this man, they hearing about this unknown guy and I am flying away to him. It is a lot for them, but my mom knows my feelings to Maurice is strong so that is why she has backed down, I do feel bad in texting her at least but let me reply back now.

To: Mommy

From: Robyn

I am sooooo sorry mom, it slipped my mind. As soon as I saw him it just got hectic but I’m fine, I’m with Kellen too so don’t worry and Tif is here x

I just want my mom to have a peace of mind because I don’t care about them two but she will feel more happier that I am with some people she knows, I hope she don’t get annoyed at the fact I forgot but knowing my mom she will be. Placing my phone on top of the table in the room, I am not about to wear this out there. I did bring Maurice’ hoodie with me so I can wear that, walking slowly towards my suitcase. Crouching down, grabbing my slides and placing them down. I am sure I placed the hoodie right at the bottom, shifting the clothes a little to the side. There we go, yanking it out of my suitcase, I would actually walk around like this but I have no bra on and my panties be riding up my ass too, there is other boys out there too. Placing my feet in the slides as I placed the hoodie over me, I can deal with my legs being out. I hope I don’t look too much of a mess, dragging open the bedroom door. It’s weird because in the bedroom you don’t hear shit, open the door you hear everything. They are even listening to music, and being rowdy.

Slowly walking the hallway that leads straight into the living area, I instantly see Maurice in a wife beater “hold the fuck still, seriously. Like I am here helping your ungrateful ass” that chick is here again, it’s early in the morning. I am not feeling her being crouched down right in front of Maurice “it’s just a small mark, it’s wiped off now. You out here complaining” she is wiping something off his black slacks he got on “cool, pass me my belt” Maurice said as he paced away from her, Shawn is even awake and Malik. He is smoking a blunt “Robyn, you awake” my eyes dragged to Maurice’ face, he walked towards me but I was quick walk around him. That shit is not it and it was not something I expected from him, I think I am so right. These rich men have sex with everyone, I am not about to start anything because I don’t know this chick “your belt….” the girl dragged out and stared at me, she is a girl. I don’t know her like that “Rob G in the morning” I wish the kitchen was in a different part but it’s literally here, they can see me still. I want food before I slap someone “you want some food? We can go and get some?” staring at Malik “where is the food?” I asked “we have pizza from last night, I was hungry. You have options, you can either order it here or we can go there or we get Ally to go, we have options. I am hungry too” I assumed this was a hotel, I thought wrong but I am not about to cook “Maurice already ate, Ally bought him his stuff. Perks of having an assistant” he didn’t even think of me, not only does he not want to marry me he is forgetting me “do I look ugly?” I asked Malik “no, it’s crazy you walk out looking fine no matter” I’ll take that “we can go and get some food” I need to eat.

Placing my shades over my eyes, these braided pigtails have lasted through the night but will be a pain to do later. We can be quick and get some food I guess, I just need some food “where you going with your shades on?” oh he comes now “ain’t you busy having some girl crouched in front of you or are you used to that position?” Maurice’ mouth fell open “wow Robyn, that is messed up. How you going to say that to me? She is my assistant, we work every day together. Why you being like this?” I ain’t being like shit, just stating the truth “assistance don’t be on the their knees ok? You may not be used to having a partner but shit works differently. I am going to assume you not used to having a girl around, I am a woman. I know this shit, don’t be play me. I am going to get some food” pushing by him, he really think I am stupid. Assistant my ass, I will keep making remarks and being pissed with him until he can admit it. Walking into the living area “Malik, come on” Shawn looked confused, he is too high to notice shit “I have a better offer now Ally, I don’t need you” Malik said to her but I don’t know what he was speaking about.

I am kind of regretting walking around with just a hoodie on in New York, I am mess. I ain’t even washed my ass, I am walking around this place “we could have got a SUV, you do know that?” this long ass line in Subway is not it, it’s the closest thing but even this wasn’t as close “so I have to speak to your brother” I was determined to not “oh, why y’all not speaking already?” Malik likes to not stand still, does he have ADHD “because I have a feeling he used to fuck with that girl, his assistant. I don’t want to see her in my face, or even in that position and then we was just talking and I said marriage. Maurice like brushed me off, he didn’t even want to know so that annoyed me “oh” Malik said, looking down at his hands and he is really scratching his hand, like there is an open wound already on there “are you ok?” turning fully to him “you’re like hurting your hand” grabbing his arm “stop it” he moved his hand away “I am fine, but yeah. My brother does like you, he wouldn’t fuck Ally. They just close, Maurice wouldn’t let me shoot my shot if that” grabbing Malik’ hand and looking at the wound “you’re making me want to fix that for you” squinting my eyes staring down at the wound “you burnt yourself? Does it not hurt? This is fresh, did you not disinfect it? Seriously stop poking it” looking up at Malik, he is sweating “we need to check on that” I am not going to question him on it.

I was going to bring this back to eat at the apartment but decided against, I will eat it here. Now that I am actually seeing Malik, I can see the difference in him. He was very much fine but there is really something odd with him, I don’t want to say anything but he is not eating either and I spent money on that “Malik” I said his name, he has been staring out of the window for the longest “Malik!” I half shouted, he looked at me “why are you staring at the guy? He is getting annoyed” every symptom is screaming drugs, I can see it all over him and know I am stuck with him “he’s after me, I know it” god help me “I doubt it” maybe we should go back “you got a problem nigga?” some guy said behind me, Malik stared at me like the fuck am I going to do “speaking to you nigga!? You got a fucking problem?” looking behind me “he doesn’t, there is no issues here. So please” this guy is so scary, my god “not speaking to you princess, you fine” I will just take that “we are going now, just please” getting up from the chair “you lucky she is here, don’t be staring at niggas like that!” he pointed at Malik, I felt like today wasn’t going to be good.

The moment where I have to hold Malik’ hand, he keep touching the wound and I don’t like it “we have to bandage that up for you” I got a few things from the store, you know what. I should stayed my ass in California, Leon would have been laughing at me if he was here and say this is what I deserve “sorry” Malik said “for what?” I said holding his hand as we got to the complex “I am ok, I mean I am trying to be” clearly he’s not, dragging open the door and walking into the building “I understand, you just need help” pressing the button the elevator “does Maurice know you are taking drugs?” I have to know “he said suck it up” he knows, still let me go with him. This is what I get for searching for food, my life. Tapping the keycard and pushing the door open, how am I even juggling things like this. Least someone is dressed, I would compliment how handsome he is but I won’t, Maurice mean mugged me so hard “why are you holding my brother’ hand!?” he shouted, I forgot all about that “it’s not about you ok? Come, let’s get your hand bandaged” I am caring, I have to see this through now so forget him.

I am just glad to have bandaged that up, he can stop poking it for whatever reason he is doing it. Maurice on the other hand cleared the living room, there was a few people here “now you can’t touch it” holding Malik’ hand up, he smiled at me “you nice” that is just me “the fuck is this!?” here he is “are you blind? Can’t you see your brother is suffering? He is coming down from drugs, he hurt himself” Maurice looks furious, he is so very mad. I have never seen Maurice mad, why would I. I always see the nice side to him “what did I say to you? This should have happened” Maurice reached over and gripped Malik from his top and dragged him straight off the couch, I gasped “Maurice” I said in shock “stay there!” he spat, he is dragging his poor brother “I would stay out of it Robyn” Shawn said, he is so calm about this. The door banged shut “but what is he going to do to him? Seriously?” I don’t like this “see what happens, he won’t hurt his brother. It’s fine, just let it happen” I want to know what, what is he doing.

I am not happy with Maurice at all, like what ever he doing to him is wrong. It just makes me wonder how bad his parents are, both of the kids like that. Broke my heart seeing Malik like that, Maurice finally appeared out of the bedroom and closed the door. Staring at the door waiting for Malik to appear out but he didn’t, looking back at Maurice’ face wondering what he did. His Tuxedo is intact “sorry you had to deal with that” Maurice apologised “don’t say sorry, I want to know if he is ok?” Maurice walked off and into our bedroom “come with me” he gestured, getting up from the couch and followed him to the bedroom “I would like to know what you did?” He acting all cool and calm right now but I want to know, closing the bedroom door behind me “where is your brother Maurice? There was no need to do that at all, dragging him off like that. He harmed himself” Maurice is the least bit happy but his brother needs help “I assumed he would have been ok but obviously not” Maurice turned to face me, I felt slightly awful because I can see the stress all on his face. This is what he deals with everyday, I am just seeing the bare minimum “you good though yeah? I shouldn’t have let you gone with him, I saw he was ok but he wasn’t. He didn’t harm you or anyone?” Shaking my head “do I look harmed? I held his hand to bring him home that was it” Maurice nodded his head “look, I did what I had to do. Until I have got the time to take him” raising an eyebrow “do what? Exactly?” Did he knock him out or something “I erm, I let him have some drugs to calm him and help him” my eyes bulged our “what!? Are you trying to kill him? He needs help, not the drugs, oh my god” this is stressful “I don’t need this, I don’t need him acting out right now. I am late and I need to go, you more than likely think what Kellen thinks of me but I got to do what I go to do” this is a mess, this whole trip is a mess.

I feel a little helpless, this is his family so who am I. I can only support him, no wonder he’s always stressed and like this. Maurice remained silent with me, with the huffing and puffing he is thinking “I just want you to get him help, please” I said in a whisper “I will, not just right now. I get it, it’s a mess. I’m sorry, I really wanted to see you and this is what I get, I am sorry my family is crazy I didn’t want to expose you to that but it’s too late” his phone started ringing, he didn’t bother to touch it but just closed his eyes and sighed out “Robyn I need to go, I’m sorry. I will be busy today, I will be at my hotel. Shawn will take you to the event, I am sad I am missing it with you. Please forgive me. Tonight I will be yours, I promise” I want to be mad with him, I want to scream out how dare you make me come here but everything is a mess in all ends “I’m so sorry” clenching my teeth together as I breathed out heavily through my nose, walking over to Maurice. Placing my hand over his clasped hands and moving them down, getting onto my tiptoes and wrapping my arms around his neck “you looks so handsome” I said in his ear, Maurice held my body close “I am embarrassed, like that shit actually happened. I will come back, please take a picture so I can see you ok?” Moving back from the hug “I will, you better be back for me tonight, I came here for you and right now you need me to hold you down so you better” Maurice nodded his head, he pressed a kiss to my lips.

I feel like shit is becoming a living hell, I didn’t think stupid over here would have done that with Robyn. I don’t even want to speak to Malik, I just want to get this thing over and done with so I can go back to Robyn, I think I need to make it up to Robyn after today. Even though Malik fees like shit he has not choice but to come here, I told him we doing this together “get out of the car” I said to him as I got out of the SUV, slamming it shut. Fastening up my button on the suit jacket, least Robyn says I’m handsome, that all that matters. I know last night I kind went off with Robyn, she said marriage I was like nope. I just need to get out of one marriage first before that, Robyn doesn’t know that though. Malik dragged himself out of the SUV “you can do this, it’s a couple of hours. We got this” I just want to get him in rehab now, staring down at Malik’ hand. That inner surgeon came out of her “I’m trying, I’m fine now. I just want to party now” he smiled at me, he will be sticking right by me so he can think again with that.

As soon as I got into my hotel Ally is already waiting for me “did you get dressed?” I pointed laughing “ha, ha, ha. Hilarious, your dad is here. I mean everyone is here” I wonder what she mean by everyone being here, the party ain’t until tonight here that is when I am running “ok, take me to them” following behind Ally “is that your new fuck buddy?” Ally openly asked “who?” I said confused “that girl walking around just half dressed coming out of what I think is your bedroom” Ally need to shut her mouth “you don’t need to worry about her Ally, and she’s not a fuck buddy” I corrected her with that, Robyn is not my fuck buddy she is my girl but I won’t say that just yet “then she is something to you, where you get her from?” Ally is asking too many questions “if you know me so well then you will work it out” Ally side eyed me “California, you spent enough time there” see she knows “there you go” walking into the ground floor meeting room “you’re such a whore” seeing Nalah, she is always here “oh, well. Look at this, the family are all together” it’s a sign of hell “and Naomi” I knew she would come “she bought her family, great. I need a drink” my mom shook her head at me “anyways, I am so proud of you my boy. You have so many hotels under your belt, now Santa Monica. I am so very happy” nodding my head feeling not good, I want the day to end already “if dad just maybe gave me them, life would be great” my dad just smiled at me “Malik, what did you do your hand?” my dad asked him, looking behind “I hurt him but it’s lit, we lit. We good, Robyn helped me” my eyes widened, is he stupid “who is Robyn?” my dad asked “she is my friend” clearing my throat “so anyways, y’all ready to just get to the events?” I want to drop kick his stupid ass.

My soul feels like it’s not here, like these events. I feel they are so tedious to me and I really just want to be back with Robyn, I only come here because Tina is a very good client and she invited us. We make a hell of a lot of money with the party alone at the hotel, she wanted us to come to her fashion shit like we do every year. I have got Robyn in the Gucci gig, Tome ford too and a few more but these a far from here. By the time we go back to the hotel she will be there, so it’s like a miss with that “come here you” Tina pointed at me, I ain’t about the camera bullshit “me?” my dad pushed me, walking onto the red carpet “in my dreams I am dating him” I mean if she was younger I would have but I’ll pass on that, placing my arm around Tina “he is a very close friend, treats me well. I have known Maurice since he was born” she said to the camera “come on” Tina shouted at my family to come over “Davenport family, we have all been in a hotel that your family practically own. Are you excited to see the fashion show?” nodding my head “as we do every year, support Tina the whole family. I am excited to see it all” I have no idea who I am speaking too “thank you Mr Davenport, take some pictures now” Tina laughed out loud “girl you don’t mind me stealing him” seeing Naomi right next to me “it’s ok Tina” Naomi said, I want the ground to swallow me right now. My heart is in my mouth right now, I just can imagine Robyn seeing this. Naomi placed her arm behind my back.

I am sweating my balls off, I swapped seats with my mom so I am now sitting with Nalah. I wanted to sit next to Malik but clearly my dad has got him “look over here” Nalah said at the side of me, looking over at her and then seeing her phone out. I smiled as she took the picture “you actually taking normal pictures, my little brother” my sister said looking down at her phone “you know” she paused mid-sentence “I always wanted to take that away from you” she locked her phone “take what?” I asked “this burden, not in a bad way but you take all the shit for us but it should be me. I am the oldest. We get away with it all, I do feel bad but I am proud of you. You have done so well with things, but I can so tell Malik has had something. He is so odd” rubbing the side of my face “I gave him a line, he was going crazy. I just wanted to get today done and Nalah. My life was written out for me as soon as I was born, I never had a choice. I was in diapers and travelling with dad, he was never going to leave it. I never saw mom, I was with dad. I had a carer that is how less I saw of you all, that time I was with you guys we near got taken away because of what happened. But it’s something that is happening to me, I don’t want you to feel bad. You still my older sister, even though you a bitch at times, you my sister” Nalah hit my arm “you an asshole still” I can take that because I am just that.

I am deadass staying away from Noami, I don’t want to be near that. Holding the care door open for my sister “we partying now?” Malik has been saying nothing but that “I swear to god, you annoying” Nalah complained, my smile grew seeing my hotel. It looks great, fit for a luxury party for the fit anyways. I don’t even think there is a single regular guest in here, it is just filled with the rich and famous “wine” sir the waiter outside of the red carpet asked “no for me but my sister will” I knew should have took a glass “help me got up these stairs” Nalaha hooked her arm around mine as we walked up the stairs “I hope to god I meet ASAP Rocky, I want his babies” scrunching my face up “you old though and you taken by some old man” my sister scoffed “you ruin everything, stay away from me” she walked off away from me, I am glad she gone. I can just try and just make sure things are going ok so I worm my way out.

To be sat at a Gucci fashion show is amazing but also to be sat next to Shawn and not my man hurts, I wanted him with me but it’s whatever. I didn’t know this place has assigned seats and Maurice got me on front row, like how does he do it. I have clocked Tif, she is in the back. My heart fluttered seeing someone point at me, that is so awkward “why is someone pointing at me?” I said to Shawn “maybe they like you, probably. This place is full of designers” he got a point “what you think though? There is a few things I like you know” shifting in my seat “I like the bags, that is a thing I may actually buy” Shawn’ eyes are so beautiful, they draw you in. That shit is scary “cool, you like it then? I don’t really come to these things but it was actually decent” I wish Maurice is here “thank you for coming, I wanted to be mad at Maurice but I couldn’t, you know. We really wanted to see each other and we did but he’s busy. He has so much going on” Shawn didn’t look fazed “honestly Robyn, I hate it for him. I see him stressed free with you, when he came back from Cali I was like you a whole ass new man, you are good for him” smiling a little “you think Maurice would move to California? I want to ask him” Shawn chuckled “you know what, you ask he will do it but he will always be going Texas once a week. But you could change that, I feel you can” Shawn thinks I can, that is crazy.

I actually want to see Maurice’ hotel, I heard it is like one of the tallest hotels in New York “we are close to Davenport hotel right?” I said to Shawn “just around the block why?” he said, I want to go there and see it “maybe we can go there and and then get Maurice to come home” Shawn paused not saying a word, he just stared ahead “why don’t we just go back to the apartment?” waving him off “you can follow me” I am sure he will, walking off. I want to see my man’ hotel so why not, he never took me there so I want to go there “Robyn, wait up” see I knew he would come, placing my jacket over my shoulders “you men are so predictable” looking over at Shawn “how so? I couldn’t let you walk on your now” I grinned to myself “such a gentleman” I hope I see Maurice there “just that there is an event there and it’s like an exclusive event” what is Shawn trying to get at with this “I will just tell them to get Maurice, I did that last time. He saved my ass from the doorman” Shawn’ smile grew “why?” Maurice is forever saving my ass “because I parked my car outside the hotel and he was like you can’t do that, he chased me all the way inside and I goes to him speak to Maurice he knows. He assumed I didn’t know him but obviously Maurice said it to him and he was quiet after that” I just want to spend some time with Maurice, I am being so calm about this.

The hotel is huge, it looks beautiful but wow “this was the second hotel that the Davenport family bought back then, Texas was the first hotel. I still don’t understand how his great great grandfather got it, they say the guy was a con artist but we will never know. But they are very much business men, they have a whole neighbourhood in New Jersey. It’s literally named their street, it’s an amazing business they are in but there is a lot of family politics. Back in the day they made that stupid rule, it has to be you first born son. It’s something that has been passed down, which to me sucks. Nalah would have been fine with it” Shawn should be a tour guide “ever thought of being a tour guide?” Shawn snorted laughing “perhaps but we can just see it, I did text Maurice and they are busy still” nodding my head “I just want to see” these doormen are bodyguards, scary ones too. Walking up the steps “names please” one of the guys said “Shawn, should be on their with the family” Shawn said behind me “what about yours?” the guy looked at me “are you asking for yourself or to check the sheet?” the bodyguard just busted out laughing “wow!” he shook his head “well it can be both ways, you funny” he pointed at me “get inside, I am guessing you’re with Shawn” shaking my head “not really but thank you” I winked at him.

Shawn is laughing so much at me “do you know you can use your face for everything? Got niggas just letting us come in” I can hear the music in this place “can we just have a little look, just one little peek. I will be good” Shawn slouched forward “you are a pain, just stay close” twirling around and skipping towards the music, I have no idea where I am going. Grabbing the wine as I made my way down the hallway, the music getting louder as I got close. The double doors opened up and the music is well and truly blaring out, that hall looks amazing “he’s such an asshole Shawn! I am so fucking done with him” looking behind me, wonder why she is upset “you’re here Naomi!” Shawn spat but that lady just pushed passed him, Shawn shook his head “let’s just go!” he shouted, I really don’t want to go though. Downing the wine, I think I have seen enough though. Staring down into the hall, I cam see Maurice from here “we should go, I want to get some pizza too” staring at Maurice with this woman, they are both laughing a lot. My hearts wants me to go in there and hug him, this makes me so sad. So close but yet so far, Maurice placed his arm around this woman “that is Tina, she is a client” Shawn said, dragging my eyes away “let’s go” I think I want to go back now.

These heels hurt like a bitch, placing the empty wine glass down on the reception desk “come again” the lady said, I didn’t even know she was sat there “complimentary for the business” she held out a magazine “thank you” taking it from her, smiling at her faintly walking off “come on then Shawn, let’s get pizza” New York pizza is supposed to be nice actually, walking out of the door “leaving so soon? That was quick” twirling around to the bodyguard “maybe I was never supposed to be here and you let me in?” he doesn’t know that “never thought of that did you?” his face dropped “why did you come here for? You’re out now anyways” I shrugged “to sight see, thanks for the wine boo” blowing him a kiss “you cali girls are crazy” I am just that at times.

[paintmeablueskye]

To 13 Years...

Tomorrow, I am going to go out to the city and buy one deluxe edition of Lover. I’m only going to buy one because it is literally all I can afford right now even though I desperately want them all--as an English major, teacher, and writer, I love to see Taylor’s writing process and personal thoughts/reflections on life.

BUT, there are a few things I have realized lately and I have to put it all somewhere. This may end up being a bit of a letter to @taylorswift and @taylornation, but really anyone is welcome to read it. I am so sorry that it’s so long.

I have been extremely down and depressed all summer after I didn’t land a teaching a job after graduating from college on May 15, 2019 with my English degree and teaching certification. I graduated with Scholastic University Honors and did a undergraduate thesis that explored how the invention of photography helped American literature move from the literary movement of Romanticism to Realism (including psychological realism). I took it further and also took my own photographs where I created all of the costumes, makeup, hair, etc. AND photo-shopped to create visual representations of the stories that I had discussed in my thesis. I gave artists statements in my thesis and explained why I did what I did in my artwork to give the viewer a chance to interact with and see the story in a different way. I thought I was extremely qualified, and I wouldn’t have much of a problem in getting a job. 

I was heavily optimistic--even though I knew my options were limited. I knew that I would have to live with my family for a while because I didn’t have the money to just move to the city and rent an apartment where teaching jobs would be more plentiful and where they are really struggling to get teachers. I know how desperately my parents wish they could help me--if only they had the means.

I didn’t want to bring this into any interview. I didn’t want to beg. I wanted to get the job because I earned it--because I was qualified for the job. Maybe I was too prideful and didn’t want to humiliate myself OR maybe I didn’t want to subject myself to their pity and get a “hand out”.

I applied to about 10+ different high schools at least an hour away from my parents’ house that had openings and only got interviews from 3 or 4 of them. Most of the interviews went well. But it was the very first one I ever had that has stuck with me and haunted me since.

When I applied, they called me immediately and seemed so excited. The principal tried to set up an interview for that Friday, but was unable because the superintendent was unable to join. So I waited 2+ weeks for an interview after he got back from vacation. I continued to search for openings and applied every chance I got. 

Then I finally got a call for the interview. 

I was nervous because I felt the pressure of paying off my $12,000 in student loans, but I pulled myself together and did my best. 30 minutes before I was supposed to go in, I suddenly got a text message from the principal telling me that they were also interviewing another candidate. I’m still not sure why he told me that when he did or even at all, but many of my colleges and mentor teachers I’ve had told me that it was a tactic principals tend to use around here to make you beg and plead for the job. I don’t beg. We know this.

I got into the interview and I wasn’t told that it had changed to being an interview with both the high school principal and the middle school principal. The middle school principal also wasn’t introduced to me as such so I had assumed she was the superintendent.

In the beginning, they complimented my knowledge of the subject area and that I knew what I was talking about. But, as the interview went on I was suddenly being persuaded to consider teaching at a middle school level by the principals when I had applied for the high school position. She had approached it as if she was concerned and was sharing a story about her daughter, who apparently is a teacher too, and started pointing out reasons why I may do better in middle school than high school. 

The reasons were the following: 1.) I am young--22 going on 23.  2.) I am single and don’t have kids. AND 3.) I am female.

So I’d “have trouble getting respect from the high school boys”. I felt so small--like everything I worked so hard for didn’t matter. I wanted to cry. I felt so disrespected. So when they finally asked if I would consider middle school, I was a little rude and resisted their suggestions, saying, “Honestly, I would prefer to teach at a high school level and most middle school-level classrooms I have observed have given me headaches. I tend to get too ambitious and feel more comfortable with high school-level content.” 

The moment I got to my car, I called my mom and told her what happened. I was unsure if it went well. I was so confused that I couldn’t sort out whether I wanted to work there or not if I were offered a job. I ultimately decided that I wouldn’t because why would I want to work somewhere that wants to tear me down for things about me that I can’t change and force me to do something I don’t want to do. I didn’t get offered the job.

Months later, even though I never got a job, I still went to some free professional development courses that were offered and I happened to meet the person who got that job. I never told him that I had been interviewed against him.

He was a man.

He was possibly in his 50s or 60s, obviously not married, and stated that he had never taught before. As he talked, I could tell that he didn’t know his stuff. I believe he mentioned that it was a career change, so he was more than likely alternatively certified. I went though the traditional route for certification. This was an even bigger blow to my confidence. My post-graduate depression got worse. I felt hopeless. I cried on the phone to my mom and cried again when I got back home to tell her more about it.

So, @taylorswift​. When I heard you say, “I’d be a fearless leader / I'd be an alpha type” AND “I’m so sick of running as fast as I can / Wondering if I'd get there quicker if I was a man / And I'm so sick of them coming at me again / 'Cause if I was a man, then I'd be the man” AND “They wouldn’t shake their heads and question how much of this I deserve” in “The Man” on Lover--I felt less alone. I felt confident in myself again.

Many other things have happened that have made me lose hope and feel depressed. For example, there’s now a restaurant I will never be able to go into again--even though I ate there once. I don’t think I could ever go there again because it was the place where I had a moment that made me realize I loved the person I was dating at the time. (This all happened and ended a few weeks before I graduated college) But then I did something and ruined it. I let myself get in too deep and was terrified to be too honest too soon--but I slipped up and accidentally showed my cards. I hadn’t seen him in a month because he had a bunch of events he had told me about and it was fine. Then our dates kept getting canceled and pushed back because of his job. He told me it hurt him... but he didn’t have the time for me. It’s been an extremely difficult thing to accept because I had never felt that way for someone before. I never felt so safe. I never felt more at home with a person before. Cornelia Street gave me hope. I could see myself in the song, and I cried. While I didn’t get that turning point, I was left with hope that someday it would happen--whether with him or someone else.

Lover has given me hope. Hope for that golden love. It has helped remind me how to see the different ways that the world sparkles--which has been hard since my first and only ex-boyfriend was so toxic and abusive (1989 helped me through that time). I believe that love is out there still--if I know it or not. I haven’t felt this happy in a while. But Lover has me feeling emotions that I haven't felt in forever.

So, thank you Taylor. Thank you for 13 years of music and memories. Thank you for being my best friend since I was 10. Thank you for being my only friend through your music when the girls I thought were my best friends had turned against me, bullied me, and called me every curse word in the book in 4th grade. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being so brutally and beautifully honest. Thank you for sharing your life with me--with us. I hope I’d manage to see you in concert this era--if you happen to tour. Either way, I’ll always find a way to be there for you like you have been there for me.

Stay Golden,

Skye

[echelongaga]

My feeling... My problems (you don't have to read it)

Is it possible that a person can be hated by everyone around him/her?

I have been asking myself that a lot lately, as I started feeling alone, like an alone wolf who must survive alone while the whole pack is continuing their live normally, not noticing that this young wolf is suffering.

I am not quite sure if it was me or was the type of people I walk with, but I think that I did something wrong that just clicked to them: she is no longer a good friend. And I myself not sure what I did.

I try tell a story to myself, that they are just upset now, but after a week or so, they will go back normally.... But it's been 5 months and none of them even notice my existence...

I sometimes feel like I'm always out of place, not able to fit in this piece of puzzle called society, why is it so hard to be normal? Or to specific, like them?

I have a huge problem communicating, I am socially awkward, so making new friends was always a mission to me, so sticking with those who I called friends was the only thing I can do.

I guess when I finally started becoming myself around me they didn't like the real me?! And decided to leave me alone. And to be frankly... It's not the first time this has happened to me.

When I was in pre-school, I was around girls who always talked about gossip and made troubles, I fit in there not because I was like them, but because they thought as long as I don't tell anyone, I can stay in their group.

But when we were in 6th grade, and I finally decided to open up, to be me, they got shocked. But later on, they moved on with it. But there was this girl who liked the new me, and kept in a close relationship with me... Sweet isn't it?

Well... At 8th grade, she introduced me to this guy she was talking to online, and she forced me to talk to his brother, thinking that when we grow older, they will marry us and we can still be friends living under the same roof, and funny enough, I believed her, more like followed her. She was my only after all.

As soon as I talked to him, I noticed he was not normal, he was always talking about sex and how he wants to fuck me till I can't breath no more. I immediately stopped talking to him after three horrible long days. But kept telling my friend we talk, but not a lot.

In 9th grade, the first semester, we had a fight, and it was such a stupid fight that I hardly can remember it, but it ended on making her go all around the school, showing them the texts messages between me and that pervert.

Now the problem is.... That wasn't me. It was her other close friend, talking to that creep. She planned this with the group of girls I used to walk with in 6th grade and even decided to send it to my mother, saying that they kept on telling me to stop but I was too horny to listen.

I know.... Sounds too much for a girl in 9th grade, but I wish I was lying. In fact, if that incident didn't happen, I wouldn't be so closed to people, I wouldn't have kept my feelings and the things I love to people, or in another word, "communicating" having a conversation.

Long story short, my mom lost her trust in me, so is my dad, and my siblings. Everything was taken away from me, and I saw my old phone being crashed in front of me... Frankly, that phone was bought the same very year, it only lived 3 months.

Imagine the amount bulling from the students, disgrace looks from the teachers, and disappointed looks from my family. That year was hell to me... Nothing helped, at all. I reached the point where I thought suicide was my only option.

My mom realized that I got sick, physically and mentally, so she decided to move me to another school on the second semester, and to be honest. Life there wasn't that hard, the problem was just me not being able to trust or talk to anyone, but other than that... Things were fine.

I stayed the whole year alone, till I reached high school, and I moved to a new school, new class, new people. I remember everyone was talking to each other in groups, and I was the only new girl in the class, so making friends was already a zero option.

But in the middle of the semester, they started trying to make me talk, and I won't lie to you, I was talking with them, I was laughing at what made them laugh, but that only to show that I'm normal like them. Cause at home, I only study, I don't watch TV, nothing. Not because my parents still mad at me or something, but because after what happened, I felt like I owe my parents something, I need to succeed in my life in order to make them feel proud of me. So understanding all that gossip was not an option.

In my last 10th grade year, I brought 98% and was the 5th highest scorer in the whole school. I was happy, although I was streesed and still alone, but when I saw my parents smiling and giving me those words, words that meant they were proud, it made me forget all the stress.

And guess what was my graduation gift? It was a new phone, a phone that I love so much and it is what I'm using now to write this rant or story to you.

I found myself getting healed by Lady gaga's supporting words, and Jared Leto's meaningful words of fighting. Those two brought life to my soulless body. And I finally were able to speak to people... But, online people, people that no way on earth I can meet them in real life, which was fine with me, cause to be honest with you, the friends you make online can be more loyal than those in real life.

Anyway, back to the new beginning of the 11th grade, which is now. I found myself surrounded by people that I adored and loved so much, people that had my flaws, understood it, and accepted it. I loved them dearly and will never hate them.

But with new beginning of school, a new strees and anxiety is being developed, which is working in groups, and it is the worst thing ever.

Because they all don't know how to hold a responsibility they left me for charge, and it was like hell, I had to chase them like a car chasing a mice, almost kissing their feet to work this fucking project and get it over with. But they never did, some did commit, others were just either too dumb or either doesn't give a shit, and expected me to help them.

But there was this one girl... Her name is Doha (it's in Arabic so you will find it difficult to pronounce) is the worst. As a friend, and as a student. This girl neve did a thing, and always complained about not getting the full mark, I get too pissed when she says that.

But one time... She crossed the line, like... Really crossed it.

We had this project that we have to do a presentation of in front of the teachers and the principal, and she had to begin the presentation, but oddly enough she didn't come to the presentation room, so me and another friend had to go all around school looking for her. And when we couldn't find her, we went back to the presentation room, and I found her sitting with punch of girls, talking and laughing like she doesn't have anything important to do.

That moment I got pissed, and decided to explode. I exploded, literally, screaming at her and all, and she screamed back, we kept screaming and almost had a fist fight, but we saw the principle enters the presentation room and decided to cool it off. She and my other friend looked at me angerly. Never thought I would explode like that.

Why would I explode you ask? Well, imagine your a huge Ballon, full of air. And then, a bird comes and sits on you, then another bird comes, and more and more and more, till they create a burden on you, they all became too heavy on you, that you ended up exploding, causing them to fly away, looking for a better place to sit at.

I was the balloon, and the birds were the burdens I had to carry, staying normal, doing no homework, studying for exams, bringing great marks, eat, sleep, do projects. But lately, these all became to heavy, and my grades were getting lower, and when I tried talking to my mom, she was mad. And every time I tried saying that I'm stressed to them, they immediately change the subject.

So me being me. Kept it to myself, till it all gathered in one single blow. Creating a disaster... A complete disaster.

The next day after the fight, they all started to slightly stop talking to me. They keep secrets, they have their own convos in a separate group so I won't see it. And, doing projects without me.

I thought It was okay, maybe they don't want their Doha to hate them all so I'll just let them till they cool down. But after two weeks, all meaning of communication stopped, and in that point I was so broke, I needed someone to pick me up and fix me.

No one cared to listen to me... Or at least that's what I kept telling myself, cause when I come to think of it, I never made that many of friends so I can go easily to anyone I know and started speaking my heart to.

Why am I telling you this? Well, I am not telling you this to show you how miserable I am, but because I know that.... No one would find this, and no one would read it. And even if you did find it, you won't like, waste half of your valuable time reading a teenager girl talking about how she suffers from social problems and can't trust people and that she needs help.

You will evantually scroll this down and never read it, but If you did read all of this, than thank you, I appreciate it..

Now excuse me, I have to find another reason for me to stay in this place called earth, rather than going to mars.

[movieswithkevin27]

Personal Shopper

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Spoilers throughout in the middle sections, in which I offer up interpretations of possible character motivations or what I really believe to have occurred in the film. While possibly off-base, they do involve intricate plot description with ample spoilers.

After unequivocally loving Olivier Assayas' 2014 effort, Clouds of Sils Maria, his follow-up is a lot tougher of a nut to crack. Part-thriller, part-horror, part-mood piece, Personal Shopper truly evades definition. It operates at a safe distance from the viewer and refuses to be defined. By the end of the film, what is real and what is not real is really next to impossible to pin down. Personally, I have a variety of working theories, but whether or not any of them are actually accurate is another matter in and of itself. What is clear, however, is that this is a film about grief, identity, and mortality. Above all, it is a thriller that sets out to unsettle its audiences and make them think. To do so, Assayas' film is purposefully complex, dense, and tonally off. Even the editing, with many scenes ending abruptly and fading to black, is used to throw off the audience and make us squirm. Of course, this has the by-product of making the film appear to be lacking satisfaction. In many ways, however, this merely mirrors the issues of Maureen (Kristen Stewart) after losing her twin brother Lewis. Complicated, distant, and forever denying viewer access to its idiosyncrasies, it is no wonder that Personal Shopper has divided audiences.

One of the most obvious themes that Assayas introduces into the film is grief. Working as a personal shopper for model Kyra (Nora von Waldstätten) to support herself while also operating as a medium for the couple set to move into Lewis' old home, Maureen is constantly looking for a sign. Before he died, the two had promised to leave the other a sign. Whoever died first had to let the other know they were in the afterlife. Waiting around in Paris for Lewis to come give her that sign, she encounters a ghost that is most definitely not Lewis and also begins to receive mysterious text messages from an unknown number. While she is shaken, she approaches every situation where a ghost may be present with the same question: Are you Lewis? She cannot get him off of her mind and is constantly seeking to find out if he is alright and at peace. Assayas' film shows how grief can control one's way of life to the point that she refuses to meet up with boyfriend Gary (Ty Olwin) in Oman for a vacation. Instead, she does a job she hates for a woman she hates just to justify staying in Paris. In essence, she is a prisoner of her grief, which is not an original theme by any means (The Babadook being a recent example), but is well-executed in the film. Assayas injects incredible tension and fear as we wait to find out if the ghosts and noises she encounters are truly Lewis or some other being.

However, I have my doubts that Maureen is actually a medium. Whether Lewis was or not is unclear, but towards the end of the film, Maureen remarks how Lewis was always more in tune with that and she usually just copied him. It is entirely plausible that Maureen is not a medium at all. Rather, she is merely a girl suffering from a lost identity due to the shared one she had with Lewis. As he was her twin, it is possible she is trying a route he had taken in order to reach him. However, it does not work and either she meets unfriendly forces or she imagines them all. The latter, however, seems most likely with how awful she is at detecting presences. She notices obvious things in the walls or glasses breaking, but never seems to aware a ghost is with her until it is literally right on top of her. If she were a medium, it would stand to reason that she would be better at identifying when they are near. Furthermore, the ghostly text messages she receives where the sender claims to always be around her and sees what she is doing and wearing, certainly hint that there is a ghost around her. Possibly Lewis, the sender does seem to be a bit odd, but largely harmless for Maureen. However, what is clear is that either Maureen is not a medium or she is an entirely dreadful one, making it unlikely she ever actually encounters ghosts. Rather, it is merely a machination of her mind used to cope with the loss of Lewis in the only way he knew how.

One of the most important things that this ghost texter allows her to confront, however, is her sense of identity. Now, this is where this interpretation may lose some people, but I warn you that this is a film that demands multiple views. Coming off of one viewing, it is entirely possible I am off base here. Yet, there are three possible routes to take in regards to Maureen's sense of identity. One is the most logical one based on the film. Through encouraging her to try on Kyra's clothing, the sender allows her to try on a new personality. After expressing that she does not want to be herself, but is unsure who she wants to be, the sender allows her to try out new personalities to find one that fits her. After losing her brother, she has no idea who she is anymore and must strive to find herself once again. The ending, where she is in Oman and asks the presence, "Is it me?" further solidifies this. In the end, this film is about her searching for herself after losing somebody who was so much a part of her. It is inconsequential who she is texting or who she sees in these rooms, as they are all part of her journey to find herself and find a way to cope with the loss of Lewis that works for her. As much as the film is one about grieving, it is a mood piece study into the life of a twin after losing their other half and trying to piece together who they are now and what that means exactly.

However, the second and third possibilities are a bit more out there and require some reading between the tea leaves to reach. The former suggests that Maureen was actually Kyra. So torn up over the loss of her brother, Maureen spirals down to the point that she separates herself from her past as a model and loses sight of who she really was. A man named Ingo (Lars Eidinger) is really the key to this theory. Early in the film, Maureen arrives with clothes for Kyra, only to find Ingo on the couch in Kyra's place as Kyra is in the bedroom with her lawyer having an argument. Though Maureen pops in the door briefly, Kyra never addresses her and she goes out to talk to Ingo instead. Confiding that he has been having an affair with the married Kyra, Ingo says that the relationship is purely physical and that Kyra wants to break it off, but he wants to convince her otherwise. In coordination with this, it is revealed that Maureen has been blowing off her apparent boyfriend Gary. Asking her where she has been as he has been calling her all week, she hardly addresses the question and alludes to being busy buying clothes for Kyra. As he has apparently been gone for a while, it is possible he has no idea about this loss of identity. Along the way, Maureen is constantly asked to try on the clothes by the salespeople and is even asked to fill in for a photo shoot that Kyra has not arrived for on time. For a personal shopper, she finds herself in a lot of odd places where people seem to believe she is Kyra and that she is simply buying clothes for herself. While this may be a by-product of being a personal shopper, the salespeople are quite insistent and the clothing does all fit her without any issues. Yet, she forbids herself to try them on because Kyra would get mad. This can be defined as her personality as Kyra revolting against her new one of Maureen. She no longer wishes to be Kyra, for whatever reason, and the part that is Maureen pushes back by not indulging in wearing the clothing and calling Kyra a "pain in the ass" behind her back to any one who will listen. Never seen together, aside from a brief encounter where they never actually communicate with one another, it is clear that there is an odd relationship between the two nonetheless. At this point, they communicate exclusively through notes left on tables. This is no Fight Club where they are constantly seen together. Instead, they never go where the other does as Maureen seeks to separate herself from her past self. Through the ghost texter, she is coaxed into trying on the clothes, however. Yet, and this is a credit to Stewart and her far more laid back and - for a lack of a better term - "tom-boyish" style. These hyper-feminine dresses look odd on her and Stewart seems emotionless and unhappy while wearing them. They make her feel odd and not like herself. By the time Kyra is murdered, the film sort of tips its hand by having Maureen take the jewerly to her home instead of Kyra's. An unconscious act, her mind is finally allowing her to accept these expensive accessories now that her past personality of Kyra is lying dead and bloodied. Yet, the clearest evidence that Maureen may be Kyra comes in the hotel room. Throughout the film, the ghost texter encourages Maureen to go to a hotel room. She goes and tries on clothes at one point. However, towards the end of the film, we see Ingo leaving the hotel room. While this establishes the ghost texter as either a further manifestation of Maureen's personality, a ghost such as Lewis, or Ingo, it does establish that Maureen is sleeping with Ingo. If there are two keys, why would he have the other one if they were not doing something? Though Ingo claimed to have been sleeping with Kyra, he seemed off and somewhat knowing when first speaking to Maureen, who appeared to not know who he was. However, just as she was able to accept the jewelry, she was able to indulge in her affair with Ingo once again now that Kyra had been killed.

A third option in regards to identity is that Kyra was in fact a different person that Maureen. Yet, she was still not killed by Ingo as the police believe. Instead, she was killed by some force (Lewis?) or Maureen as Maureen is led to try and escape Kyra's clutches. Though she believes that the possibility of Lewis giving her a sign is what keeps her in Paris, it is really her job with Kyra that keeps her there. She hates the job and Kyra, but yet she stays for how it makes her feel stable after losing her brother. It gives her a sense of purpose and identity that is lacking in her life. However, she has come to resent this control and fights out of it. There are two main pieces of evidence to support the belief that Maureen killed Kyra herself. One, the ghost in the backroom. While a piece of evidence for both possible killers, it supports that Maureen is the killer because it is her mind's way of driving her away from the scene. If she has imagined all previous ghost encounters, it is entirely possible that this one was imagined as well. By taking the jewelry and driving off, both of which she claims to have been unconscious actions she took, it establishes murdering Kyra as yet another unconscious act. In an out-of-body action, she offed the only thing that held her in Paris to free her of her bonds. Yet, personally, I like the belief that the ghost killed Kyra a lot more. Regardless of whether or not Maureen can actually see or feel ghosts around her, it is clear that ghosts exist in Assayas' film. The one in Kyra's room that drives Maureen away from the apartment is responsible for killing Kyra on Maureen's behalf. It is the same being that is texting Maureen and it seeks to free Maureen of her life in Paris by riding her of both her employer Kyra and her lover Ingo. Allowing Maureen to claim that Ingo slept with Kyra and by putting Ingo in the hotel room where the ghost has been previously been shown to walk out of and out of the hotel, only to return and then follow Ingo out of the hotel before he gets arrested, it is apparent that this ghostly presence is with Ingo. While possibly uncertain as to why, my only personal opinion is that it is because Ingo was to be the fall guy. As the lover of Maureen, he had to go to let her move on from Paris and return to Gary in Oman. However, Ingo being followed out of the hotel by the ghost is not the only shred of evidence here. Additionally, after Maureen is interviewed by the police, the texter worries about whether or not Maureen mentioned the texts. Had the sender not been involved somehow, they would have no concern and move along. Yet, had she mentioned the texts, it would have taken attention away from Ingo and onto whoever sent those texts or proven that Maureen was insane enough to have killed Kyra. At the end of the film, when she arrives in Oman, she asks a question along the lines of, "Did you want me here?" to which the presence answers in the affirmative. Whatever being is with her, Lewis or not, it is clear that it wanted her to shed her current life. Through her job as a personal shopper, she had in essence become Kyra as she thought for her as to what to buy. To get over Lewis' death, she had to move on and find her new identity and that is with her loving boyfriend, not with some random guy or "pain in the ass" model.

In regards to morality, it is only a natural step after dealing with the loss of a loved one, especially one such as a twin sibling. However, it is even more natural in this film as Maureen suffers from the same heart condition that killed Lewis at age 27 from a heart attack. The thought of dying weighs on her to the point that she becomes obsessed about hearing from Lewis and about the spirit world. Watching an old TV movie with a seance or reading about spiritualist painters, she claims to be a "spiritualist" and a "medium", even though I have my doubts about the legitimacy of either. Instead, she is just a woman concerned about dying and seeking answers about what awaits her if she dies. This would explain, without claiming that she is having an affair with Ingo, why she has been avoiding Gary. Though she is obsessed with the afterlife and enters any possible ghost situation with the same questions regarding the afterlife and being at peace there, Gary does not share the same beliefs. Gary immediately shoots down any possibility of the afterlife and ensures that Maureen feels the same way. Though she half-heartedly agrees with him, it is clear that she does believe in the afterlife and constantly needs to find out for sure and what it is like once we all die. For Maureen, the death of Lewis has rendered her grief-stricken and wondering who she really is, though it also makes her realize she will not live forever. In her visit to the doctor, it is clear that she is skeptical about her chances of living with this affliction and she appears to mentally prepare herself for her own inevitable demise.

Though I threw darts all over the place with this film, one thing is readily apparent upon watching Personal Shopper; all is not as it seems. A film that demands rewatches and attempted interpretation, critic-turned-director Olivier Assayas has created a truly engaging and impeccable work of art. It is a film that takes unoriginal themes and imbues them with originality through its eclectic approach to its narrative and those themes themselves. Capitalizing on Kristen Stewart's naturally reserved approach to acting, the film feels cold, unwelcoming, and distant. Stewart, obviously, nails this and does a great job showing the lack of emotion and discomfort demanded by the character of Maureen. In the director's chair, Assayas assembles a film that wears many hats, yet always feels cohesive. As it jumps between various tones and moods, it always feel like a singular work that keeps its eye on the prize: Maureen. A character study of her after her brother's death, the film studies Maureen, her actions, her feelings, and what happens around her. Though its details are up to interpretation, it is clear that this is a woman who feels imminently mortal, grief-stricken, and has no idea who she is anymore. These themes of mortality, grief, and a loss of identity, are what hold this film together and link up to weave a common thread through what is a dense and often confusing work of art.